July 14, 2020
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The Chip: Junior Confused on Why Coronavirus Has No Lime

By Tony Peroni
Correspondent

The latest pandemic has been a source of fear and crippling anxiety for millenia. In the 14th century, rats carrying the bubonic plague killed almost two thirds of Europe’s population. During the age of exploration, Native American populations across the hemisphere were drastically afflicted through the spread of European diseases such as smallpox, measles and typhus. The end of the first world war saw between 20-50 million people dying from the Spanish Flu. The amount of lost life due to these pandemics is unimaginable. 

Thanks to the advancements of modern medicine, biology and biomedical technology, humans have learned to manage these outbreaks before it’s too late. In recent memory, the H1N1 “Swine Flu” and Ebola outbreaks come to mind. Although scary in the moment, the infections eventually became quarantined and countless human lives are spared. 

This year, a new player has come to the field. The Coronavirus, known for its flu-like symptoms such as fever, dry cough, body aches and gastrointestinal issues, has infected upwards of 10,000 people, forcing the Chinese government to forcibly quarantine a city of 11 million. 

USA Today reports that as of February 1, 2020, only six accounts of the Coronavirus have entered into the United States. Students across the nation are taking precautions this season, especially at the College. 

“I’ve been washing my hands religiously,” said Maggie Tindle, a freshman English and secondary education dual major and Wolfe Hall resident. “In all honesty, people are disgusting, I saw this one kid pick his nose and wipe it on his desk in my Intro to Education class… This is seriously who will be teaching our future children.” 

When asked about the living conditions in the Towers, Hank Glick, a freshman biology major and Travers Hall resident had quite a bit of feedback for student housing.

“Dude, I love it,” started Hank, sheepishly laughing to himself. “It’s an absolute petrey dish in there! Put 1,000 18-19 year olds in the same building, crank the heat up to 80 degrees and everyone’s coughing and all the time everywhere. it’s an incubator for disease!”

When asked why it was a good thing, Hank replied the conditions are helping him with his quote on quote, “research.” 

“Everyone’s talking about ’Ronas lately, but I don’t know why,” said junior statistics major and captain of the Boys Club Water Polo Team, Todd Hoffman. “Like, ’Ronas are a Summer beer, ya know? A nice light Mexican beer you drink when you’re at the beach…I don’t really think its ’Rona time. It’s February, it’s cold as shit! If I wanted to feel like it was Summer, I would slap a case of Naturdays.” 

The Chip informed Mr. Hoffman that the CoronaVirus has absolutely nothing to do with “Ronas” and is in fact a deadly virus infecting thousands of people across the globe. The Chip further informed Mr. Hoffman that, no, there are no limes when you get the CoronaVirus. The Chip additionally informed Mr. Hoffman that, no, you cannot drink the virus. 

Todd has declined further comment.

Disclaimer: This is obviously a satirical piece and does not reflect a real event.

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