July 11, 2020
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The Chip: If coronavirus cancels school, party at Connor’s place

By Toni Peroni
Correspondent

It can be a massive headache. It can be a sore throat or runny nose. No, we’re not talking about a Friday morning post-Rho hangover— we’re talking about the coronavirus, an infectious disease discovered in the city of Wuhan of The People’s Republic of China. 

As of March 8, the coronavirus, also known as COVID-19, has infected upwards of 108,000 people and has killed 3,800, according to CNN. With each passing day, it’s looking like no New Jersiean is safe! Currently, there are six documented cases in the great Garden State, ranging from Bergen to Camden County. Whether you be a Pizza Snob from the North or a Hyuck Hyuck Yeehaw Cowboy from the South, there’s no telling who will become infected. 

Due to the upcoming spring break, the school faces a pretty tough challenge. As most students use the week to travel the world, the chances of someone contracting the airborne virus can be pretty dang high, and the school is taking precautionary measures to potentially shut down campus and conduct classes online. While many students fear a campus shut down and being sent home, many off-campus upperclassmen are embracing it.

“If coronavirus shuts down class, party at my place!” said Connor Grazacelli, a junior finance major. “It’ll be a party every night! Sunday – PARTY! Monday – PARTY! Tuesday – bowling at Slocums, and then PARTY! And if we ever get tired of partying, we have a sleep party! Everyone gets to sleep on my living room couch! It’s a pretty big couch and honestly doesn’t even smell that bad!” 

When asked about the potential for online classes, Angie Delgado, a senior communication studies major, had a lot to say.

“How the fuck am I supposed to take a public speaking class online?” Delgado said. “No seriously, how am I supposed to garner the skills and abilities offered by this course if I am not able to literally speak in public?” 

At this point, Angie seemed a little down and frustrated. I told her about the party at Connor’s house. I think she might be going!

As a means of calming down the campus community, President Kathryn Foster gifted us with some kind and inspiring words. 

“It is the College’s aim and effort to keep it’s student body healthy — not only physically, but mentally as well,” Foster said. “I want to assure each and every one of you that your credit will be fulfilled, and you will be getting your money’s worth.” 

Shortly after this, I asked her if she was going to Connor’s party. She’s gonna check her calendar and get back to me. It’d be really cool to see Foster drink a Natty Ice at Connor’s. TBH, that’d also be kinda crazy. 

I asked Roscoe what he thought about the Coronavirus. Inside the hollowed jungle cat’s body, a deep muffled voice bellowed. 

“If there’s no one at TCNJ, I’m basically out of a job,” Roscoe said. “If I wanted to be at TCNJ and cheer on a non-existent crowd, I’d go to a TCNJ football game.” 

I later asked Roscoe if he was going to Connor’s. He said that if school gets cancelled, he’ll be at Connor’s every night.

Thanks, Connor! Super psyched for tonight. If you wanna go to Connor’s house for the party, Venmo him like, $5. 

Disclaimer: This is obviously a satirical piece and does not reflect a real event.

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