September 27, 2020

How to land the guy after the party ends

By Lauren Rittenbach

Jennifer Aniston should have clung to John Mayer to save their relationship. (AP Photo)

I’ve always considered myself to be above the gender differences. I like math, I try not to wear pink, and I’m not even afraid to kill spiders. Yeah, I’m a pretty independent woman with one exception: I can only talk to guys when I’m at parties.

When I’m at parties I’m hotter than Victoria Beckham. Never mind the slight muffin top that society tells me I should hate; it just can’t be disguised in those spandex styles that fashion magazines tell me I should wear. You would think that my women’s and gender studies minor would mold, nay, transform me into this cool, nonchalant, mistress with all this feminine mystique who could have non-committal sex and leave men crying in their beds alone at night.

Thus, my alter ego has devised a plan that will help women land an ideal guy and keep him around. For the good of women everywhere I will transcribe my most successful behaviors at parties and apply them to real-life situations.

1. Guys love it when you can’t stand up by yourself, so ask them for piggyback rides. This is an ideal way to get close quick and relieve some pressure off of your feet from those stripper heels you should be wearing.

2. Ask to drive his car. Better yet — don’t even ask, just take the keys and climb into the front seat. Lock the doors. When he yells at you to open up, cry and lay across the seats. Guys love it when girls are difficult; you know how they love a challenge and a woman who takes charge.

3. When you feel sick, make him hold back your hair while you puke. If his hands are currently occupied with a beer or his cell phone, puke on his shoes. Make sure you say, “I never actually do this,” while you are actually doing it. This will remind him of how classy you are. Try to kiss him immediately after puking. If he won’t kiss you, yell in his face or something.

4. Moments in public are most appropriate to reprimand him for looking at another girl, hitting on other girls, or not paying enough attention to you. Surely this will mask all insecurities and will bring your relationship closer than ever.

5. Like in beer pong, when you miss most of the shots and then make your partner drink all of the cups, make your partner do all of the work in your relationship and take all of the heat for any problems. You should then complain when things are less than perfect. Life is a one way street.

6. Finally, always be clingy. Be more than clingy; be his second shadow. How else will he remember that you exist? If you can’t actually be there, text him constantly. Text him again. You should be texting him right now. Tell him your deepest secrets via text and make sure you spell everything incorrectly.

Congratulations! You are now on your way to roping — and groping — your own college Prince Charming, and you are the Blacked Out Beauty. Fuck guy time, it’s you time — all the time.

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