By Johnanthony Alaimo
Oh, what a week to be off the roads. Celebrities love using abbreviations. Sometimes it’s “OMG,” “LOL” or, most recently, “DUI.” There should be an emoji of that depicting just Lindsay Lohan behind a wheel. Former dancing lobster enthusiast and current incarceration fanatic Amanda Bynes has once again been arrested for driving under the influence. The influence of what is unknown, but it is most definitely not soulful jazz music. Bynes has been under the radar for most of the year, but she decided to pop out her periscope into some weed or something, mon. I had such high hopes for her, too. Was that a pun? Ugh. Whatever.
Unfortunately, Michael Phelps, famed Olympian in both the 100-meter butterfly and the 10-meter walk-and-turn on Interstate 95, was also arrested for a DUI this past week in Baltimore, Md. Phelps is the most decorated Olympian of all time, and I’m wondering if he flashed any of his medals at his arresting officer. Phelps has since sincerely apologized for his reckless action on social media. Whether or not we accept his apology is contingent on whether or not his mugshot was him in a speedo.
Sean “Whatever His Name is Now” Combs gushed over his former girlfriend Jennifer Lopez in a recent interview with Access Hollywood Live, in which he said the singer’s booty was unparalleled to no other, even that of Kim Kardashian. I am so happy our media has been reduced to comparing people’s booties. Let’s not compare our floundering education system with other possibilities. Let’s not compare different ideas about social equality. Let’s compare some booty. I knew listening to the opinion of large snakes was a bad idea.
And to wrap things up, you can see Ben Affleck’s penis in his new movie “Gone Girl,” so go watch that or something.