Wednesday, August 4, 2021
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Kim’s Declassified: Four Types of People You See In Eickhoff

By Kimberly Illowski
Features Editor 

Cue the lunchroom scene of “Mean Girls.” Whether it’s floating around our sub-conscious or a deliberate decision, like wearing pajamas to class, we all choose to dwell in different sections of the dining hall with our respective clans. Some groups are far easier to point out than others, for better or for worse.

1) The Pioneers- These kids forge their own paths. While everyone else is flooding to Quimby’s, this kid’s eating an omelet at 7:30 at night. Why run around trying to find someone to eat with when you can sit at the bar stools and have some peace and quiet? While you’re listening to a girl on your floor word vomit TMI’s, the pioneers are confident in their solo mission and get to watch Friends on the TV behind you.

2) The Shorts- These are complex individuals which call for a game of, “do they live in Eickhoff or did they just come from the gym?” In this weather, no one in their right mind should be trekking around campus in minimal skin coverage, unless of course, you want a limb or two to fall off. The only explanation for these shorts-wearers in the dead of winter is that they came straight out of their bed two floors above us and walked right into the dining hall, no outside world required. Or, they just crushed it at the gym with a sick workout and had to rush to get their protein. We all know that protein consumption far exceeds the need to be fully clothed.

3) The Murders- I could have gone with “The Herd” or “The Flock” but a murder of crows will always be the most badass way to describe a large group of individuals. Whether it’s an entire freshman floor dining together, a sports team or fraternity or sorority, they came, they saw and they took up every table you were going to sit at. They may even travel in packs, making the line to get mac and cheese 10x longer than necessary.

4) The Double Dippers- Why limit yourself to one meal when you can have five? While they’re waiting for their wok to cook, they’re already sitting down eating a slice of pizza and bowl of pasta. Gotta polish it off with a sandwich from the deli and seven sugar cookies, right? Where all this food goes remains a mystery to the general public. Some say the double (triple, quadruple, etc.) dippers have a hollow leg. Others suggest they’re super-human.


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