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The Hollyword: 50 Shades of WTF

By Johnanthony Alaimo

The reviews are IN! In what, I don’t want to know, considering we’re talking about “Fifty Shades of Grey.” But film critics have gone where only middle-aged women who sit on their spin-cycle dryers have gone before: erotica. How sexually explicit is this film? Can Dakota Fanning watch it? Can I eat cheese during it? I have a lot of questions.

Less than 15 minutes of ‘Grey’ includes the infamous, x-rated scenes. (AP Photo)
Less than 15 minutes of ‘Grey’ includes the infamous, x-rated scenes. (AP Photo)

Unfortunately, the critics only answered the first one for me. Claudia Puig of USA Today wrote, “…those looking for hot, kinky sex will be disappointed. Fewer than 15 of the movie’s 125 minutes feature sex scenes. Discussion of contracts and objections over line items outweigh erotica. Even the graphic nudity grows numbing.” Sounds to me like a commercial for erectile dysfunction is more sexy. The film is getting generally panned, spanked and whipped by the film-critic community. So much so that the movie had to use the safe word they agreed on. Poor “Fifty Shades!” Well, maybe it just needs a revamping, like a crossover. How’s “Fifty Shades of Avatar” sound?

?While movie lovers are dissing “Grey,” Jay-Z was doing a whole lot of dissing at the Grammys this past week. During the ceremony, Taylor Swift was seen with Jay-Z, allegedly asking him out to brunch. Apparently, Jay-Z seemed disinterested in Swift’s invite and nodded blankly in her direction while Swift kept screaming “brunch!” One does not simply ask Jay-Z out for brunch, Taylor! There are certain procedures you need to go through. Besides, if the “Partition” music video is any indication, Jay-Z likes a whole different type of brunch. Here’s hoping Jay-Z’s indifference inspires a T-Swift brunch song. I’ve taken the opportunity to write the first couple lines. “The eggs are not the only Benedict I see/’Cause there’s a traitor sitting right across from me/Please pour me another mimosa/Before I flip this table all over ya.”

And in shocking news, Jon Stewart has announced he will be stepping down from his post at “The Daily Show” later this year. Stewart has been at the helm of the program for over 15 years, beginning his stint in 1999. There is no word yet on who will replace Stewart’s big shoes, but I’ve heard that Brian Williams and Bill Cosby may be in need of some work.


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