By Kimberly Ilkowski
The March 29, 2006 edition of The Signal was entitled The Singal, the newspaper’s annual April Fool’s issue. These papers are notorious for their wild and outlandish made-up news stories that push the boundaries of what the campus community deems acceptable. Among the many scandalous fake stories that week, the special “Sex, Drugs and Murder” Cop Shop stood out for it’s crazy tales of the secret life of Campus Police.
In Ewing police were called in when a student complained that she had found “balls in your face” written on her dormitory door, but Campus Police did not respond to her call.
They busted into a noisy room on the other end of the hall to find the entire Campus Police force playing beer pong, making drinks from what amounted to be 30 gallons of seized liquor and snorting lines.
Excessively loud rap music could even be heard from the complaining students room
Ewing police charged the entire force with distribution of alcohol to minors, along with a series of other misdemeanors including vandalism and urinating in public.
Accordingly to the dispatcher, the entire force had slowly trickled out after a call about a particularly rowdy party on campus. None of them had returned when the student found the message on her door, so she was forwarded to Ewing police.
Detective Hardass of Campus Police admitted to writing the obscene message on the students door, claiming “it’s payback for all those unpaid parking fines.”
The student declined to comment, except to note that she doesn’t even have a car on campus, let alone any unpaid parking fines.
A student was charged by Campus Police with “being a little dickweed” after making an anonymous call to police that hid underage roommate and his friends had been drinking in their residence hall.
Unbeknownst to the student, the police traced the call to his cellphone and arrested him instead of his roommate.
“It makes me sick,” Sergeant Butenfine said. “These kids try to have a little fun, enjoy college a bit, and some loser goes and tries to ruin everything.”
According to Butenfine, the only time a student can be arrested for drinking is when they are making an actual nuisance of themselves. If Campus Police responded every time someone was caught underage drinking, there wouldn’t be anyone available to respond to serious crimes, like parking violations.
“If you don’t like drinking, it’s like going back to your dorm to find a sock on the doorknob; you go stay in your friends room for the night. Of course, I’m assuming this little wanker doesn’t have any friends,” Butenfine said.
Fratz 4 Booze, an on-campus drinking rights activist group, said it will press charges against the student for “endangering the right to alcohol” and “miscellaneous nerdiness.”