Tuesday, June 15, 2021
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Classic Signals: Students bathe outdoors

By Elise Schoening
Features Editor

Every week, Features Editor Elise Schoening hits the archives and finds old Signals that relate to current College topics and top stories.

The April Fools edition of The Signal is notorious for its outlandish stories. Forget pushing the envelope, there are simply no boundaries when it comes to what can and can’t be printed this time of year, and the 2002 edition of the paper did not disappoint. The front page featured an absurd story about students being forced to bathe in Lake Sylva, as Centennial Hall was to be torn down due to budget cuts. The story, of course, ended with multiple student deaths.

In an effort to save money, after state-wide budget cuts, the College has decided to let Centenni-hell Hall crumble to the ground.

“We have decided to stop putting money into repairs,” said Merry-Eclaire-Penny, dean of student life. “We don’t have money to hire outside contractors. What do you want me to do, tile the bathrooms myself?!”

Penny continued, “We have two large bodies of water right on campus. Why should we pay to give Centenni-hell indoor plumbing? That doesn’t make sense economically”

Penny laughed manically, “Mwahahahaha!”

She then disappeared in a cloud of black smoke outside the Stupid Center.

To make up for the fact that residents in all other dorms on campus don’t have to bathe outdoors, the administration distributed one free bar of Ivory soap to each of the five Centenni-hell floors.

“The Ivory soap works well,” said Centenni-hell resident Harry Grecci. “It floats!”

Dwight D. Eidontshower agreed.

“It’s nice. I don’t have to bend over to pick it up,” he said.

One problem faced by residents has been unexplained cases of worms in those who bathe in the lake.

“We gave them a band-aid,” Anne Denialero of health services said. “Those babies should clear up in a few days.”

So far 18 students have died.

“Students have died on campus?!” Jesse Rosesinbloom said, when asked about the bodies floating in Lake Sylva.

“No further comment!” he yelled as he ran to find Our Barbie Guttenberg.

The End.


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