Wednesday, April 14, 2021

Johnanthony Alaimo

Nervous breakdown: Oprah overwhelmed

People, and by people I mean the two who watched the 2013 Emmys, are going wild over Merritt Weaver’s acceptance speech. The actress, who won Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series for her role on “Nurse Jackie,” delivered a memorable speech last Sunday.

Former reality star Gosselin waiting tables

If you’re wondering whatever happened to Jon Gosselin, just ask for a glass of water the next time you go to a restaurant. He might get it for you.

Miley’s tongue takes sleazy spotlight

Remember that time Miley Cyrus grossed me out? Oh wait, let me be more specific. In her latest venture in all things sleazy and a little queasy, Miley released the music video for her latest single, “Wrecking Ball.”

Bill Nye the Dancing Guy

The Queen of Pop and Pop Rocks herself, Miss Britney Spears, is counting down to something. On her official Facebook page and website, the...

Affleck: Gotham’s hero

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Oh no, it’s just Ben Affleck piggybacking on Matt Damon. The Academy Award winner and star of hit films...

Gaga’s Twitter war

Hello friends, haters and people using this section of the newspaper as a loincloth. I am your disgraceful columnist, Johnanthony Alaimo, ready to bring...

Reese Witherspoon is legally intoxicated

Here’s a headline you didn’t expect to see! “Eggs, milk, sack of potatoes, 10 boxes of hot pockets.” Whoops, accidentally copy-pasted my grocery list. Let’s try this again. “Reese Witherspoon arrested for disorderly conduct after traffic stop.”

Bieber quite Frank about his narcissism

There are a number of things I enjoy. I love a good pecan, I cannot get enough of Julia Child, and I am in love with downward spirals, namely, Justin Bieber’s.

Sass is not Wanted

EVERYONE. Are you still alive? Am I talking to a survivor of the devastating Twitter war between Louis Tomlinson of One Direction and Thomas Parker of The Wanted? I thought I was the only one left. But you’re here. And reading this. Before we repopulate the planet, let us take a look back at what got us to this point.

A Spears goes missing

The love of my life/cracked pistachio nut that is Britney Spears has run into a slight problem.

Bynes’s vagina tweets

Amanda, PLEASE … calm down.

Lohan gets glittered

Not a day goes by when I’m not covered in glitter. So I’m glad Lindsay Lohan was able to experience the glow.

Kim makes a new friend

One of Kim’s elusive beauty secrets has finally been revealed! Turns out, she loves injecting blood into her face! No, you read that right. KIM KARDASHIAN IS A FUCKING GHOUL.

Hollywood celebrates, Perez Hilton procreates

In case you accidentally did something fun last week, you missed the 85th Academy Awards AKA the Oscars AKA The Annual Rich People Drinking Together Social.

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