According to Dr. Jessica Griffin, a psychologist, and Dr. Pepper Schwartz, a sexologist, communication plays a pivotal role in the longevity of romantic relationships. However, one specific behavior can derail a relationship entirely: contempt.
In his book “What Predicts Divorce?”, psychologist Dr. John Gottman identifies four communication patterns that are particularly detrimental to relationships, based on his research with 40,000 couples:
- Contempt: Showing a lack of respect for your partner through insults, eye-rolling, or mocking.
- Criticism: Attacking a partner’s personality or character.
- Defensiveness: Protecting oneself from criticism by making excuses or shifting blame.
- Stonewalling: Withdrawing from interaction and shutting down communication.

Among these, contempt is the most destructive.
What Does Contempt Look Like?

Contempt goes beyond mere criticism or negative remarks. It involves one partner acting superior to the other, claiming moral high ground, or belittling their partner as inferior.
For instance, frequent interruptions can signal disrespect. However, if those interruptions come with derogatory comments implying the other has nothing valuable to say, it can cause serious harm to the relationship. The partner on the receiving end feels unloved and worthless.
How Contempt Destroys Relationships

Contempt prevents partners from supporting each other during difficult times. Instead of collaborating against common challenges, they become adversaries, never knowing when the next attack will come. This behavior fosters an environment of constant defensiveness, leading to the eventual breakdown of the relationship.
Additionally, contempt isn’t just bad for relationships; it’s harmful to health. Strong social bonds are essential for well-being. Research indicates that individuals who communicate with contempt have higher rates of illnesses, including heart disease and frequent infections.
To eliminate contempt from relationships, consider these two crucial steps:
1. Identify and Share Negative Feelings
It’s easy to project our negative feelings onto others when we don’t know how to express them. Instead of criticizing or mocking your partner, share your feelings and make a clear request to prevent future issues.
For example:
- Express your feelings: “I felt sad because I was looking forward to spending time together.”
- Make a request: “I’d like to talk about our plans first to avoid this happening again.”
- Invite your partner into the conversation: “Do you think that would be possible?”
2. Cultivate Appreciation
Focus on your partner’s positive traits instead of dwelling on the negatives. Aim for a magical ratio of five positive interactions for every negative one. Expressing appreciation can significantly strengthen and improve the health of your relationship.
Monitor your communication habits for a week. How often do you engage in negative interactions (e.g., nagging, criticizing, ignoring, eye-rolling) compared to positive ones (e.g., praising, doing kind acts)?
Next week, try interacting using the five-to-one positive-to-negative ratio. Do you notice a difference?
You can also make a list of 20 things you love about your partner. Read them aloud and continue adding to the list over time. This exercise can help shift your focus to the positive aspects of your relationship, fostering a healthier, more supportive dynamic.
By recognizing and addressing contempt, couples can create a more loving and resilient partnership, ensuring that their communication builds rather than destroys their bond.

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