Words hold immense power, especially when directed at children. They can shape a child’s self-esteem, worldview, and overall development. While most parents avoid overtly harsh or threatening language, some seemingly benign phrases can have unintended negative consequences. Here are six common phrases that psychologists recommend avoiding when speaking to your child, along with alternatives that can foster healthier communication.
1. “No, thank you”
In recent years, some parents have adopted the phrase “no, thank you” as a polite way to correct their children’s behavior. While it sounds courteous, it can send mixed messages. As psychologist Laura Markham explains, “no, thank you” can be confusing because it typically means “I don’t want that, but thank you for offering.” When used to soften a refusal, children might not understand why their behavior is unacceptable.
Instead, use a firm “no” followed by a clear, gentle explanation. For instance, if your child is about to do something unsafe, say, “No, you can’t touch that because it’s hot and could hurt you.” If you catch yourself using “no, thank you,” it’s okay to correct yourself. This also teaches your child that it’s okay to make and fix mistakes.
2. “Use your words to tell me how you feel”
We often encourage children to express their emotions verbally rather than through tears or tantrums. However, young children might not always have the vocabulary or composure to articulate their feelings. In such moments, they need guidance.
Laura Markham, author of “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids,” suggests giving children specific phrases to use. For example, you might say, “You can tell your brother, ‘Please move.'” or “You can ask your sister, ‘Can I borrow your toy?'” Providing these phrases helps children learn how to express themselves appropriately.
3. “We can’t afford that”
Financial stress can weigh heavily on a household, but children shouldn’t bear the burden. Saying “we can’t afford that” can create anxiety and foster an unhealthy relationship with money. Instead, teach your child about budgeting in an age-appropriate way.
For example, if your child asks to go to an expensive theme park, you could say, “We’re not planning for that expense this year, but let’s think of other fun things we can do together.” This approach helps children understand financial planning without feeling deprived.
4. “Good job”
While positive reinforcement is important, the phrase “good job” can become counterproductive. It can make children seek external validation rather than finding intrinsic motivation. Moreover, generic praise like “good job” or “I’m proud of you” might not convey genuine appreciation for their efforts.
Instead, describe what you observed and acknowledge their effort. For example, say, “You worked really hard on that puzzle. I noticed how you kept trying different pieces until they fit.” This specific feedback reinforces their effort and perseverance, encouraging them to apply these qualities in future tasks.
5. “You’re so smart” / “You’re the best”
Telling a child they’re smart or the best can create pressure to live up to those labels. Psychologist Carol Dweck’s research shows that children praised for being smart may avoid challenges, fearing failure could disprove their intelligence. They might also believe their abilities are fixed rather than improvable.
Instead, focus on praising effort and persistence. For example, instead of saying, “You’re so smart at math,” you might say, “I’m impressed by how you tackled those tough math problems.” This approach encourages a growth mindset, where children understand that effort leads to improvement.
6. “You’re bad”
Labeling a child as “bad” can be damaging to their self-esteem. Children should understand that while their actions might be unacceptable, it doesn’t define their character. If your child misbehaves, address the behavior, not the person.
For instance, say, “What you did was not okay” instead of “You’re bad.” This way, children learn that mistakes are part of growth, and they can make better choices without feeling inherently flawed.
Final Thoughts
Effective communication with children requires mindful word choices. By avoiding these common phrases and adopting more constructive language, parents can help foster a supportive and positive environment for their children’s growth and development. Remember, it’s not just what we say, but how we say it that shapes our children’s world.
Peter, a distinguished alumnus of a prominent journalism school in New Jersey, brings a rich tapestry of insights to ‘The Signal’. With a fervent passion for news, society, art, and television, Peter exemplifies the essence of a modern journalist. His keen eye for societal trends and a deep appreciation for the arts infuse his writing with a unique perspective. Peter’s journalistic prowess is evident in his ability to weave complex narratives into engaging stories. His work is not just informative but a journey through the multifaceted world of finance and societal dynamics, reflecting his commitment to excellence in journalism.
