In a shocking turn of events, Beyoncé, AKA our savior, has been banned from the Egyptian pyramids. Excuse me, now where will the Queen be buried? Turns out Beyoncé angered her tour guide who thought she was “rude.” Bitch, Beyoncé can slap you across the face and you take that as a compliment. Just ask Michelle Williams. Apparently, Beyoncé showed up at her scheduled appointment late and did not apologize. She was probably too busy accepting an award for breathing, so calm down. The tour guide, Zahi Hawass, reportedly said, “I am not giving you the privilege of having you on my tour. I said Beyoncé was stupid and I left.” I would not be surprised if Hawass suddenly finds himself suffering the Seven Plagues of Sasha Fierce. If he survives to the seventh plague — irrelevancy — it would be a miracle. Just ask Michelle Williams.
It’s beginning to look a lot like a divorce. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, after being separated since 2011, are officially divorced. What a wonderful holiday gift to them both. There’s nothing more cheery than a dissolution of a marriage. Both actors have since moved on with their lives and are dating, with Ashton linked to Mila Kunis and Moore linked to a Botox syringe.
In other love news, actor/Xenu enthusiast Tom Cruise is reportedly dating “Orange is the New Black” star Laura Prepon, also known as Donna from “That ’70s Show.” Both met through their Scientology connections. You know, these Scientologists are hooking up like rabbits. ChristianMingle needs to watch their backs. I guess there’s just something intrinsically romantic about pouring millions of dollars to fund a corrupt cult. If only Michelle Williams could join, she’d finally be at peace.