By Johnanthony Alaimo
In a sad twist, Britney Spears’s boyfriend, David Lucado, cheated on her. Most of you probably didn’t even know she was dating, and a small minority of you probably thought Britney has been dead for a few years. Well, put your ignorance to rest. Brit-Brit will not let any man (except maybe a municipal judge, her father and a doctor) put her down. She is a strong, independent woman free to make none of her own decisions.
She is ready for the single life, as she exclaimed at one of her Vegas shows: “OMG, OMG, I need a hot guy! Where are the hot guys here tonight?” When she said this, I know in my heart that my fellow homosexuals were willing to put themselves up for her. Whatever the reason David Lucado did what he did (because Britney lip-synced sex) is not important. I’m proud of you, Britney. Reach for the stars (but ask permission from your parent/legal guardian first).
But not all is hopeless when it comes to love in Hollywood. The infamous power couple of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have finally tied the knot (as well as the noose around Jennifer Aniston’s emotional stability). The couple secretly married in a ceremony in France.
Jennifer Aniston could not be reached for comment because she was too busy burning a carton of Rachel wigs she found in Jimmy Kimmel’s house. I wish Brad and Angelina the best as they continue to take over the world. God bless the Illuminati.
Score 1 for Brad and Angie, but Michael Sam, the first openly gay player in the NFL, also has something to celebrate. After being released from the St. Louis Rams this past week, aspirations for Sam to emerge on the field seemed as hopeless as Meg Ryan becoming a movie star again. However, the Dallas Cowboys came to the rescue and signed Sam to their team for the upcoming season.
Sam will be on the team’s practice squad and will hopefully improve their weakened defensive line. The addition of Michael Sam to the NFL roster is certainly historic, and I cannot wait until the movie version of it hits theaters, because I am not watching actual football.