By Johnanthony Alaimo
YAAAAASS GAGA, SLAY ME IN VITRO is probably what a Lady GaGa fan is saying right now after the Queen of Flopping commented that she wants to have lots of kids. Gags said, “I want to have tons of kids, actually … I think at least three. I really want to have a family, and I really want to nurture my children and inspire (them).” Well can you start off raising sea monkeys first and if you don’t eat/try to wear them, I can maybe let you do what you want with your body. Gags as a mother is an interesting concept. The child’s first words will probably be “MA-MA-MAMAMA,” it’ll learn to walk in lobster heels at 2 years old and will probably try to consume Blue Ivy at 3 years old to absorb her powers. After some thought, I welcome a Gags baby. Maybe she’ll go into a cocoon for a few years to incubate. It will serve us all well.
Get ready to never leave your room. Not because of the fear of Ebola, ISIS or Shia LeBeouf, but because “Friends” will finally be available for streaming on Netflix. No longer do you need to steal your friends’ expansive DVD collection or watch an episode on a seedy website next to an ad that’s promoting some erectile enhancement. Soon you will be able to enjoy the entire gang in some real comfort. Watch Joey get his head stuck in a doorframe in the park. Watch Phoebe sing a nonsensical song under the table during family dinner. Watch Rachel and Ross cry over each other while you cry over a tub of ice cream in your room, you loser. You can do whatever you want! The show will debut on Netflix in 2015, the Year of our Lorde.
Want to learn a new language? Forget Spanish, French, or Italian. Throw that Rosetta Stone into the gutter. Download the “Dothraki Companion” app and learn the language only fictional characters speak on “Game of Thrones.” Amaze your friends with your ability to both speak another language and your ability to waste hours of your life learning it. Confuse your taxi driver by giving him directions in Dothraki and, when he tells you he doesn’t understand, simply say “Dracarys.” Talk about your enemies right in front of them without them knowing! They’ll think you’re having a stroke. The possibilities are endless, or as they say in Dothraki … actually I don’t know because I’m not downloading the damn app. I’m too busy trying to match up with people on Binger, the new app that brings you together with people who like things in excess, like TV, food and misery.