By Johnanthony Alaimo
As we emerge from hibernation this winter, we do so with heavy hearts (filled with saturated fats), full bladders and a dead computer battery. OK, maybe that’s just me. But I KNOW I had a better holiday season than Jennifer Aniston. All she had was “Cake.”
Let’s start off this column this semester the right way—with well researched stories and hard-hitting facts. Or we could talk about LINDSAY LOHAN BEING HOSPITALIZED WITH A RARE VIRUS. I’m down with exploring the latter. Lindsay is now the most famous person to contract CHIKUNGUNYA, which sounds like a flavor of Hamburger Helper but is actually a rare and incurable virus transmitted by mosquitos.
The actress/current viral incubator traveled to Bora Bora where she got Mora Mora than she bargained for. The disease unfortunately causes severe joint pain and a high fever, but I guess that’s better than being in Jamie Lee Curtis’s body where you would feel all of that plus an unstoppable urge to eat yogurt until you shit yourself.
Lindsay is not letting this jungle fever get in the way of her enjoying her new life, however, as she Instagrammed a photo of herself with the caption, “I refuse to let a virus (affect) my peaceful vacation.” The picture shows Lindsay leaning against a wall with severe duckface. Medical experts are baffled as to what is causing the facial distortion. I wish you the best though, Lindsay! If you survived “I Know Who Killed Me,” you can get through this!
While Lindsay caters to her biggest fans (mosquitos), Justin Bieber is simply trying to get people to like him. Comedy Central has announced plans to roast the Biebs, unfortunately not Bora Bora pig style though. It will be a traditional roasting in which fellow celebrities and comedians get to rip Justin a new asshole. Hopefully we get to see that in the next Calvin Klein ad.
Apparently, Bieber has wanted this all along, tweeting that he has been wanting it “for years” but that Comedy Central wanted him to provide more “source material” first. So that’s why you egged your neighbors’ house, drove recklessly and assaulted a man, amongst other silly things. It all makes sense now and is definitely worth it. Hopefully they roast Miranda Cosgrove next! That bitch.
But if roasts are not your thing, maybe geopolitically controversial films with dick jokes are! “The Interview” is premiering on Netflix Saturday, Jan. 24, so if you want to see the Seth Rogen film that caused a cyber terror attack and plunged the world into a debate about free speech which only the most Oscar-worthy films could vie for, go right ahead and press play. I streamed the film upon it’s release to online services and let me tell you, if this movie had caused World War III resulting in my death, I would have DEMANDED a refund. I’d rather die watching something much more engaging, like “Big Momma’s House.” Now that was a film worth fighting for. It had everything: justice, family values and spanx. God bless.