By Johnanthony Alaimo
Madonna has a new album out! Don’t break your hip rushing to go get it, though — don’t be such a Madonna. The 13th studio record from the diva/geriatric ward escapee is titled “Rebel Heart,” which just sounds like a cool new way to say heart attack.
I took the liberty of reviewing the album when I had the time (using the bathroom during happy hour at On the Border). This new release has EVERYTHING you want in an album, just name it. 19 songs you don’t want to listen to? Check. A song called “Bitch I’m Madonna?” Check. A SONG WITH MIKE TYSON ON IT? Check, mate and ear snatched. Honestly, the album is pretty atrocious and tries too hard to play into the EDM craze. Madonna may be getting cozy with Molly, but who wants to hang out with them together?
I admit, I’m a huge Madonna fan, having being raised on her earlier hits. “Holiday” is the first thing I blast when school lets out for the summer. But sadly, Madonna seems to be running out of steam. Just give her a hot compress already and call it a day.
But don’t listen to me, Madonna. I’m not a doctor, no matter how many drugs you accuse me of having. She is continuing to promote her album to anybody who wants to listen or anybody who is unlucky enough to leave their door unlocked — in this case, Ellen DeGeneres.
Madonna appeared on “Ellen” alongside Justin Bieber where they played a hilarious and revealing game of Never Have I Ever. Guess who had phone sex? Madonna and Ellen! Madonna had it when she called AARP and started moaning after they told her their unbeatable rates. Who has fooled around in a bathroom during a party? All three! Madonna did that when she fell in the tub, used Life Alert and then locked the first responders inside. Madonna also admitted she has forgotten the name of a person she was fooling around with. Hey! That’s no way to talk about the Queen of Pop, Britney Jean Spears!
But enough about Madonna, those visiting hours are over.
Let’s talk about something that is DOA: Donald Trump’s presidential bid. I honestly don’t understand this man. Is running for president the new reality TV? He’s making a joke of our democracy, which is already a joke as it is. Sit your ass down and keep your toupee in place.
Trump released a statement, saying, “I have a great love for our country, but it is a country that is in serious trouble. We have lost the respect of the entire world. Americans deserve better than what they get from their politicians — who are all talk and no action!” Says the man who turned television into a screaming match between Omarosa and Pierce Morgan. Trump then declared, “I am the only one who can make America truly great again!” So are the “Duck Dynasty” guys running for Senate yet or what?