By Johnanthony Alaimo
Do you like listening to people who have LOTS of money and power? Do you like spending money on a service that you could easily get cheaper or even FREE? Do you have a loose grip on reality? Then Tidal, the new music service/unnatural disaster, is for you. Tidal is the new web streaming service created by Jay-Z that puts MORE MONEY in struggling music artists’ pockets (and if they do not have pockets, I guess stashing it in their jets will do). Hungry people like Nicki Minaj can finally get more filet mignon, Rihanna can finally get her butthole crystallized and Kanye West can laser the words “GO FUCK YOURSELF” into the Cascade Mountains. Some may say this is just a way to finance the Illuminati (although I think that already started with Dippin’ Dots: The Ice Cream of the Future).
Are you still not sold on Tidal yet? Well, here’s some more information that will surely have you taking out a second mortgage on your home to finance your Jay-Z obsession. It costs $19.99 a MONTH whereas Spotify Premium costs $9.99 for the same length of time. It’s an artist-owned streaming service that is supposed to put music back in control of the people who make it. In addition, its major selling point is that its sound quality is premium and better than that of any other competitors. Great, fine, dandy. But I have a couple of questions. How will this help actual struggling artists? Why did Beyoncé, Alicia Keys and Madonna sign a piece of paper at the release event as if they were liberating music from the British? And where are the Barenaked Ladies? It’s yet to be seen if Tidal will “purify” the music industry. All its done so far is erode my patience with the big wigs. Now if you would excuse me, I’m pretty sure there’s a sniper dot on my forehead and Beyoncé is behind the trigger. If you need me, I’ll be hiding where nobody dares to go: Lil Kim’s house.