By Johnanthony Alaimo
Tragedy struck Canada this past week when Marilyn Manson was PUNCHED in the face at a Denny’s. First off, I was not aware that Canada had a Denny’s. Second off, I was not aware Marilyn Manson had a face. Third off, you should totally expect to be PUNCHED in the face when you’re at a Denny’s.
There is a complete hierarchy of restaurants and what happens to you when you go to them. Denny’s has physical violence, Perkins has quiet and depressing self-reflection and Friendly’s has explosive diarrhea.
But poor Marilyn. Apparently, this is what went down according to People Magazine: “On April 5 around 2:45 a.m. Lethbridge Police responded to a report of an altercation at a Denny’s restaurant along the 400 block of Mayor Magrath Drive South in Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada. Investigation determined that three people had been involved in a physical altercation and sustained minor injuries. No charges were laid and the file has been concluded.” I hope he was able to enjoy his first Grand Slam before he got his unexpected second one.
DirecTV has been forced to pull its Rob Lowe commercial campaign ads, which feature Lowe playing himself as well as an alter-ego that’s not so hot. Apparently, Comcast — DirecTV’s main competitor — filed a complaint with the National Advertising Commission which, as a branch of the Better Business Bureau, then recommended DirecTV pull the plug on the ads. Good, honestly. Pull the ads. In fact, get rid of all commercials. Replace them with cute dog videos or that clip of Britney Spears high and talking about time travel. Much better use of time.
And there’s another Duggar in the world. Jill Duggar and husband Derick Dillard have welcomed their first child into a world where you can be PUNCHED in the face for walking into a Denny’s. The child’s name is “Burning Talking Bush Hallelujah Jesus Mary and Joseph Swiper No Swiping Dillard.” OK fine, it’s actually just Israel David Dillard, but don’t tell me they weren’t thinking about the first one. I cannot wait until the child is able to say his first anti-gay statement, and I hope they record him burning his first batch of birth control pills! So sweet, the young.