Judah Friedlander joined Josh Rabinowitz, Jermaine Fowler and Matt Braunger at the College Union Board’s Comedy Central on Campus Tour on the Kendall Hall Main Stage on Saturday, Sept. 15. Opinions Editor Shaun Fitzpatrick interviewed the comedians.
The Signal: In an interview with Nerve.com, you answered sex questions sent in from readers. Now, I don’t know how much you know about the College of New Jersey, but we’re pretty much known for being a very socially awkward school. So maybe you could give our readers some sex tips? They could use your help.
Judah Friedlander: You mean like new positions?
JF: No, I don’t, uh, I think they should discover things for themselves. Be creative. Be honest. And remember, it’s a team effort. As someone who has participated in a lot of orgies, and has just started a lot of orgies unintentionally. Sometimes I’ll just be walking down the street, before you know it there’s like 30 chicks surrounding me and a couple of dudes.
Signal: Do we have something to worry about? I mean, they’re all over age, you’d be fine.
JF: No, I’m a professional, I don’t do that. I do comedy shows. It’s just something that has to be kept under control.
Signal: Well, the police force is here if anything should break out.
JF: Well, they’re not going to be a problem. That’s a good question, when I do comedy I actually have to tone down my sexuality, otherwise people wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the show. Women, and 10 percent of the men, would not be able to concentrate.
Signal: You were going to run in the presidential race, so –
JF: That’s incorrect. I’m not running for president.
Signal: You’re not running for president?
JF: I’m standing for president. Running means you’re scared. I’m not scared. I’m standing for president. This country needs a confident leader, not one who’s running around scared. I would phrase it as “entering the presidential race.”
Signal: You’ve mentioned that you want to “enter” the presidential race. What are the three most important issues in your campaign?
JF: Number one is giving the people what they want. Two, I don’t lie; World Champions tell the truth. And I stand for justice.
Signal: …is there a third?
JF: I’m not good at math. That’s the third one.
Signal: On a more serious note, I don’t know if you like to talk politics, you don’t like to talk politics, who’re you voting for?
JF: I’m voting for me. Everyone should just write in “World Champ.”
Signal: Is that the most serious answer I’m going to get to that question?
JF: It is, yes.
The Signal: So you are a fairly recent graduate, within the last couple of years…What do you think your most embarrassing moment in college was, and how can you advise our readers not to follow in your footsteps and do the same thing?
JR: I did a lot of embarrassing things…one time, I emailed a girl asking her to be my girlfriend. I emailed her that three times, and she said no all three times. So I guess my advice would be to, like, maybe if at first you don’t succeed at something to do just quit immediately.
Signal: Did you purposely email her three times? Did you think it was going to change?
JR: Yeah don’t do that, I would say just quit immediately when people say no. It was just embarrassing…when I think back about that, I get like a stomach ache that I did that.
Signal: Can I ask you why you emailed her three times? Like rejection once wasn’t enough?
JR: I was trying to convince her that she was wrong and we’d be great together, and she was really nice, she was like a friend of mine. I was too nervous to say it in person so I like emailed it so I would say, like, say it in person or also just don’t be a loser.
Signal: Most people say perseverance is a great quality but apparently not.
JR: No, don’t persevere, just quit, just lay down, just roll over.
The Signal: On your site, you have a video about how much girls love emoticons. I was wondering, what’s your favorite emoticon to use on a girl and why?
JF: My favorite emoticon to use for the ladies is the triple neck smiley face emoticon. People confuse it for the super smiley face.
Signal: I don’t know that, can you draw it?
Note: The emoticon he drew was: :)))
JF: That’s the emoticon I like to use the most. People think it’s like a super smile but no.
Signal: And that works?
JF: Yeah, women like it ‘cause it’s a big shout out to, I guess, the happily obese people out there … And that’s my favorite emoticon because who doesn’t like a happy, fat smiling person?
Signal: Do you use that for everyone or is that specifically for girls? Like you think that’s what they want to see?
JF: I use it for my grandmom, I use it when I’m texting myself, I use it when I sext. “Hey, did you have a good time during this sexting? Double chin smiley face.”
Signal: And no girl’s ever been like “That’s what you think I look like? When you think of me you think of a double chin smiley face?”
JF: Even if they had a double chin I’d love them the same. I like big women. I like them thick. I prefer thick women anyway so if I am sending this to a lady that’s what I want you to be. I want you to be big, it’s healthy. Why wouldn’t you want to eat? That’s what it represents, how much I love all sizes of people’s necks.
The Signal: If you could only tell one joke, or do one routine, for the rest of not just your career but your life, what would that be? Do you have one that’s such a favorite?
MB: I couldn’t pick one that I would do, well…you know it’s hard because you have favorite ones like every year, you know. So I think if I had to do one, if there was something that oh, you have to do every single year I would create one called “How was your day?” I’d have the whole crowd go “1,2,3 how was your day?” and I’d just go into however my day was. I know it’s a cop out, granted, total cop out.
Signal: Do you have a subject that’s a favorite? Even if it’s not a specific joke?
MB: Probably social drinking as you age, and how it gets worse or better or how that works. I mean I just go back to that because in this world so many of us indulge or overindulge or whatever.
Signal: Does it get worse or better? I’m 21, what side of the spectrum am I on?
MB: Oh man, you’re perfect, you’re at the top of the mountain … Your hangovers get so much worse once you hit 30, it’s the drop off point.
Signal: So this is the top of my game, I can only go down from here.
MB: Nah, it’ll stay till like 25, but then you gotta, you know, it’s one of those things, like anything, your body talks to you and you have to adjust. You’ll know.