Wednesday, July 28, 2021
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Gosling talks abs, people everywhere swoon

I’m back and as critical as ever! Let’s talk about some news that gets me frustratingly aroused. Ryan Gosling, in a recent interview with an Australian (I know, a REAL Australian!) in the Herald Sun, has described his abs in a quite peculiar way.

The full text of his quote is as follows: “Anyone can get those if they work at it. It’s just a lot of exercising. And it’s really quite pointless, because you go to a gym and you lift a heavy thing so a muscle grows, but the only thing the muscle can actually do is to lift that heavy thing. After a while they’re like pets because they don’t do anything useful. But you have to feed them and take care of them otherwise they’ll go away. I feel a bit goofy having them, to tell you the truth.”

WOW, even his quote has more abs than me. Ryan, you raise an interesting point. Abs ARE like pets! Which is why I just got certified to become a professional veterinarian. Please, stop by my clinic anytime to drop them off. (The clinic happens to be my house.)

Swift won’t be riding in the Delorian with Fox’s son any time soon. (AP Photo)

In a rare sports update from me, everyone is talking about Manti Te’o. Who’s Manti Te’o? I don’t know, I thought it was a crackpot health regiment that white soccer moms were doing. You know how they love their fads from overseas. Kinoki foot pads anyone?

Anyway, Te’o is actually a Notre Dame football player who’s in a whirlwind of drama! Apparently, there was a story going around that Te’o’s (sidenote: that just looks silly, but hey, grammar!) grandma died and so did his girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, within hours of each other. However, the tragic deaths propelled him to lead his team in victory! It turns out Lennay never existed. A dead fake girlfriend? That’s the story I tell my grandfather every time he asks me if I have a girlfriend yet!

Te’o claims he is not a part of this hoax and that other conspirators are responsible for spreading the misleading story. Whatever you say, Manti! Let me know when your girlfriend is at least a mirage. Apparently, Te’o was actually in a relationship with this “woman” who he met online, but he never even met her! This is the biggest catfish catch of the century! Nev Schulman has to change his pants! I hope Te’o learns his lesson and never falls for another Internet scam again. But congratulations! You are the one millionth visitor to! Please send me your credit card info to claim your free X-Box 360!

Speaking of dating, Taylor Swift is probably looking for her own Lennay Kekua after her breakup with Harry Styles. At the Golden Globes, Tina Fey cracked a joke that T. Swift should stay away from Michael J. Fox’s dashing young son. Fox eventually penned a written piece that outlined why he doesn’t want Taylor Swift dating the younger Fox. This caused Taylor Swift’s fans to go NUTS. Swift tweeted to her loyal cultists, “Hey everybody, Michael J. Fox got in touch with me today and we are good. Thanks for having my back.”

Well, first off, I think it’s time T. Swift stopped sharing her back. Secondly, what do you mean Michael J. Fox got in touch? Did he promise his second born to you? When will your lust for youth end??? Watch how Taylor Swift is really a youth-sucking succubus and her true form looks like Gloria Stuart. Check Harry for wrinkles! It must be true! At least this terrible Taylor-Michael J. Fox feud is over. Now we can move on to more important things! Like, did Baby Kimye get lip injections yet?


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