By Johnanthony Alaimo
In news that would not even shock your deceased great-great grandmother, reality TV has hit a new low. WE TV has picked up a new show to be dubbed “Sex Box.” Just in case you can’t fathom what this show can possibly be about, I will sum it up briefly for you: People have sex in a box and then talk about it. I don’t know about you, but I think out of the box was fine just the way it was. WE TV president Marc Juis had this to say about the new program: “Sex Box” is one of the most unique and compelling show concepts we’ve ever seen, and we can’t wait to bring it to WE TV …” While this show may be “unique,” it is the latest in the trend of network series obsessed with nudity and odd locations. “Naked and Afraid” and “Dating Naked” are at the forefront of our insatiable quest to see as many pixilated crotches as possible before mom serves dinner. I’m looking forward to the inevitable expansion of the genre, with such potential ideas like “Nude and Frying Bacon” and “Naked at TSA Screening Checkpoint” being surefire winners.
Pop culture is becoming increasingly nonsensical with a new revelation: The beloved cartoon character Hello Kitty has been revealed by her creator Sanrio to not be a cat. You may be wondering, “Well, last time I checked the thing had whiskers and a skull shaped like a cat.” But hey, apparently, you’re an idiot. Sanrio stated, “She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature.” If bipedal movement is the sole criterion for being considered an animal or a human, consider me to be on all fours from now on. Because being a dog is a lot easier than being a graduating college student who will probably end up eating dog food anyway.
But why did I even waste all this precious space talking about trivial bullshit when Beyoncé killed it at the VMAs last week. Katy Perry could find the cure for cancer in a can of whipped cream she’s spraying in her mouth and it would not matter. The game is over. She has risen from a member of a girl group into a figure that probably has more influence than other power figures like the President or Kermit the Frog. If Beyoncé came up to you and said “I’mma kill you,” you’d be like, “YES murder me in any degree you want!!!” Many would say her stature is too overhyped. I will direct you to the 16 minute performance at the VMAs which will change your life. Maybe you’ll find God. Maybe you’ll find yourself. But you will definitely, absolutely, find $1 billion in the elevator.