By Johnanthony Alaimo
Have you been holding your breath waiting for a “Lizzie MaGuire” reunion? Well, I have news for your blue, dead body. It happened! Sort of. Are you still excited even though I said sort of? Would you be more excited if I said absolutely? Do you hate me asking you questions when there’s really no way of you answering them? Shut up and listen!
According to E!, Hilary Duff she went bowling and hung out with former TV best friend, Miranda Sanchez, played by…I have no idea what her name is in real life and I refuse to find out. Why can’t it be Miranda Sanchez? She also hung out with her TV brother, Matt, who now has a receding hairline. Cool! This all happened not because Hilary necessarily wanted to, but because she went on a Tinder date with some guy named Tom! Tom who, Hilary??? Tom Welling? Tom Arnold? Tommy Pickles? All this mystery will certainly hurt the campaign for presidency you just launched.
Hil refused to give up more details on her beau, but she said that he’s an actor and she doesn’t like that! Should’ve swiped left, Hil. She went on to say she ABSOLUTELY did not kiss him at the end of the night but that she’s a TINDER ANIMAL, a phrase I hope to never hear again describing a person. Good for you though, Hilary! Get yourself out there. Where’s Gordo in all this, though? Is he OK? Is he off your radar? Let’s find him!
In news that is not shocking, but should be, Mariah Carey is best friends with a dolphin! How did she manage such a feat? Dolphins of course are known for their fandom of Mariah! (While sharks are known as Ariana Grande fans.) In a recent interview with Robin Leach, she explained she’s buddy buddy with a dolphin named Osbourne. Sounds good, Mimi! But if this is a PR stunt by SeaWorld, though, I’m not having it. Just please remember that he needs to be immersed in water at all times, so cool it on the ice cream carting with him!
Alas, my chickadees, this is the last edition of the Hollyword. Please, don’t shave your head. Save (shave?) that drama for another day. It brought me great joy and carpal tunnel syndrome writing this column for you. We’ve been through a lot. Meltdowns, throwdowns and pat downs (my favorite). My only regret is that I will not still be writing when Justin Bieber will inevitably be airlifted off a toilet. Hopefully another sociopath takes my place here at The Signal to cover that.
I will leave you with the wisest words I know. I quote, “DON’T BE FUCKING RUDE!” — Kim Kardashian. Good night and good potluck.