Saturday, July 31, 2021
Home Opinions Satire Freshman uses Eick tray: Why one brave soul did what we were...

Freshman uses Eick tray: Why one brave soul did what we were all afraid to do

By Tony Peroni and Vinny Cooper

EICKHOFF HALL – You know it, some love it and most tolerate it. Between its slightly  warm internal temperatures, clammy tables and the never-ending line for that sweet, sweet grilled chicken, “Eick” is considered a safe haven for most students.

Getting a meal at the College dining hall is never thought of as a dangerous feat;  however, a lurking menace lies within the confines of Sir Harold W. Eickhoff’s namesake.

What most students fail to realize about the world-famous establishment is the ever-looming threat of  “the overload.”

No, we are not talking about taking more than the college limit of 4.5 units per semester — we are talking about the perils of our young, innocent students biting off more than they can chew when it comes to transporting their food from the Sodexo workers’ hands to their unsuspecting tables.

The old saying goes, “don’t cry over spilled milk,” but for Robby Braxton, a sophomore health and exercise science major, that is definitely not the case.

“So I was just minding my own business, trying to carry seven glasses of whole milk at the same time,” Braxton said, covered head to toe in cow juice. “I filled each glass to the brim, and set them into a hexagonal type shape, six glasses around with one in the center. As I lifted the glasses, they all slipped out of my hands! It was like there was no underlying support or stability for ANY of the seven glasses of whole milk!”

The sight of the incident left Eick employees confused and somewhat annoyed. One was even injured in the cleaning process. Employee Tammy Johnstead suffered a bruised elbow after slipping on the liquid only moments after the event.

Yet in dark times, there is always a glimmer of hope. Teresa Jones, a freshman open options business major, proved that a little extra hard work and observational skills aren’t always so out of reach, and she shocked the campus community with her trailblazing innovation.

“Uhhh, yeah I just think using a tray is easier,” declared the brave and intelligent Terry. “Like, I don’t wanna spill my food.”

As senior varsity athletes observed from afar, they blurted comments of nothing but high praise.

“Yo, wait Eick has trays?” questioned Bert Ringlewood, a senior biology major.

“Oh, word, that’s pretty smart” praised Gordon Smith, a senior math major.

Teresa further explained her ingenious process in great detail.

“So when I walk in, I just grab a tray from the literal mountain of unused plastic trays at the entrance of the dining hall, and then I get my food,” she said. “I really do not see what’s the big deal. Doesn’t everyone use a tray?”

The answer to that question is, no. A big fat no. Most students have never even seen a tray being used in the dining hall, and when they do they mock its user and shun his company from all future social gatherings.

A recent poll created by a freshman communication studies major who was forced to take one statistics class as an academic requirement shows that only 0.0001 percent of students admit to using a plastic tray to transport their food.

As the semester begins, it seems to be a universal truth that students will continue to eat food in some way, shape or form. Although many students may not realize they have the option, Lions like Teresa show us how failure never has to be an option.

It is indeed time to stop crying over spilled milk, for the milk shall be spilled no more!



Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

Most Popular

Recent Comments