Tuesday, June 22, 2021
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Oh Deer! Local deer population terrorizes students

By Tony Peroni and Vinny Cooper

They’re big, strong but oh so cute! That’s right, I am talking about our local deer, that roam by the dozens around the College’s gorgeous, Georgian-style campus.  Since the school was built in the early 1400s, its attending students have long relished gazing at the four-legged creatures while walking to their early classes or getting back from a mixer at an off-campus fraternity. Regardless of their background or major, students have always agreed that seeing deer on campus makes their day more enjoyable.

While the deer we know and love used to be quiet docile creatures, the deer this year have begun to cause utter mayhem on campus. Why these silent, cute beasts have completely changed their attitude is beyond anyone’s knowledge, even that of the almighty STEM major.  In contrast to past years, students now tremble at the sight of even a single deer roaming the kind-of-concrete and kind-of-brick campus walkways. While someone who does not attend the College may think this fear is absurd, any student (including the holy STEM major) would confirm that this is a completely rational fear. After all, with the academic year barely 50 percent complete, there have already been more than sixteen emergency calls over these suddenly powerful animals.

The first and most extreme deer-related incident happened at the beloved T-dubs five-star cuisine. The regular crowd was eating its usual nightly dose of saturated fat and hazardous cholesterol when all of a sudden… SMASH!  CRASH! The entire 50s-styled restaurant was awash with terror. What had just happened!? The answer to that question is something you may not even want to know, and reader discretion is advised.

A large, six-point buck was walking peacefully in front of the Towers when some sort of demon overtook his being. The deer leaped down the concrete flight of 13 stairs that lead to the classy underground dining area.  Once he was level with the humans, the deer targeted the curved, glass wall that faces the tennis courts. The deer rammed his large, very pointy antlers into this massive, and did we mention –– glass wall.  This ramming of antlers caused the glass to break into very many pieces (also known as shattering).

He then returned and began flipping tables while muttering something about the failing economy. 

The Chip spoke with Janine Kowalski, a freshman history major, who was in T-dubs at the moment of the incident.

“I actually had my AirPods in when he broke the glass, so I didn’t really notice that,” she said. “They’re great at canceling out superfluous noise. But when I looked up from my burrito, I just saw this huge deer tripping out. It was definitely something that I would not expect to happen outside of a soap opera. The police officer that was there told us all to evacuate the building, so we walked out of the gaping hole the deer made in the glass wall.”

Luckily, nobody was hurt in this chaotic incident. However, this event forever changed the way students will view deer. An email was sent to the entire student body informing them that if they see “literally any deer,” they should contact Campus Police immediately and steer clear of the cervine being.

DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a satirical piece and does not describe a real event.


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