By Tony Peroni and Vinny Cooper
As juniors at the College began to pack their bags for foreign lands far away, The Chip sent a team of reporters to capture the stories of our colleagues from across the pond.
While walking the cobblestone paths lining the Seine in France, we find Bradley Clements, a junior accounting major from Cumberland County. Clements has been dining at a plethora of luxurious French cafes, visiting the myriad of fine art museums and sporting only the most elite French styles and fashions.
“This is such a beautiful culture,” he said. “It’s a never-ending cycle of new surprises and enlightenment!”
It wasn’t until halfway through his first month in the foreign land that Clements made his most intriguing discovery yet. What he was previously using as a magazine rack to house the variety of literature he keeps safe in his dorm lavatory turned out to be a valuable tool that drastically changed the way he viewed the world around him.
“It’s like a water fountain for your butt!” he said, shaking in his Balenciaga boots. “It’s like toilet paper, but made of a cold stream of water!”
What Clements was describing was a European bathroom fixture most commonly referred to as “Le Bidet,” or as us English speaking folk know it, “the Bidet.”
Invented by Christophe des Rosiers in 1710 for the French royal family, the Bidet (pronounced bih-day) is an everyday European fixture that is meant as a substitute for what us Americans know as “toilet paper.” Very similar to a water fountain, the Bidet’s purpose is to shoot a cold stream of water, not into the receptacle of a thirsty mouth, but to the receiving end of a dirty nether region that this esteemed publication is not allowed to describe in further detail.
“It was life-changing!” Clements said after munching on an entire plate of raw snails and frog’s legs. “I used to be a wet-wipes man!” Clements said. As he spoke, he began to scale the world-famous Eiffel Tower, sporting a beret and waving around a baguette in protest that Americans adopt the European custom of the Bidet. “We need change and we need it now!”
As Clements continued to protest for the Bidet to be brought to America, French authorities arrived and began to apprehend him. The junior accounting major was deported back to the States by the next morning, much to the chagrin of his friends, family and fellow students.
Students at the College gathered on Quimby’s Prairie grasping picket signs and setting up camp, insisting that the institution give into Clements’ pleas and install Bidets in some of the bathrooms.
“I never thought that this nation would stoop so low as to keep us from experiencing the glory of the Bidet!” shouted Terrence Hope, a sophomore political science major.
“This is outrageous. I am indeed angry. Frick dude!! I HATE TOILET PAPER,” added Avery Bottleroquet, a sophomore biology major.
Although most students seemed unanimously for the Pro-Bidet Movement, a few dissenters of Clements and his ideology made their way onto the scene.
“Wait, what? I thought this was Fall Fest,” said Bert Moore, a freshman open options major. “Is this not Fall Fest? Then why did I pay $20 to get in here?”
As Clements currently awaits trial in international court, students continue to fight for the Bidet and its miracles. While Clements may have the right to remain silent, the student body is making sure his report of foreign discovery is heard loud and clear.