By Tony Peroni
Everyone’s got something that makes them special: “I can juggle!” stated Annie Smeth, a senior biology major.
“I have a birthmark shaped like a goose!” smiled Zach Bennson, a freshman computer science major.
“I AM THE PROTECTOR Västergötland, CONQUEROR OF THE SEAS, PACIFIER OF THE SKIES,” said Lars Von Hjelmstadt.
At a closer look, Von Hjelmstadt is not your average college student. He’s close to 7 feet tall and has 275 pounds of pure muscle. He has the healthiest head of hair in the state of New Jersey, keeps his 12th century battle axe drawn by his side and his magnificent chest tattoo bared. Lars has traveled this globe a thousand times over and has seen the lives of all of those he has loved disappear before his very eyes. The one thing Lars has yet to conquer? Sisterhood.
“I have bared witness to the brutality of man, I have seen villages burn to the ground, women and children destroyed by the hands of evil,” he said. “I fear no entity but the devil himself… But I shall be honest with thee… I fear rejection.”
The fear of rejection is completely natural. Rejection is a pivotal part of the college experience, whether it be asking someone out, applying for a job, or in this case, rushing TCNJ Greek Life.
“I am going to Rush tonight. I am already signed up and everything. They even gave me this shirt,” stated Von Hjelmstadt, holding up a TCNJ Panhell t-shirt that is four sizes too small for him.
As The Chip bid farewell to our friend from the far North, he embraced all seventeen of us meager satirical writers in his big muscular viking arms and whispered “May the power of Västergötland give us strength”.
Hours later in a post-rush interview, it was discovered that our companion, Lars Von Hjelstadt, had been banned from rushing TCNJ Greek Life.
According to the TCNJ Panhellenic Council, Lars’s 12th century battle axe made many sorority sisters, other rushing students and administrative faculty uncomfortable. Although Lars tried explaining to everyone that the Battle Axe of Ångermanland was more of a medical device than a weapon, giving him immortal strength and being, many were unphased by his reasoning and reported him to their standards board.
When asked about the predicament, Lars was optimistic.
“Before, I had the anger of a thousand hurricanes, but after my new Rush friends took me to Panera bread, I realized that The Battle Axe of Ångermanland can be a little intense!” stated Von Hjelmstadt, who is currently texting his new bestie, Maggie, a freshman communication studies major. “I made a lot of really great friends, and although I couldn’t join an organization officially, I know who my real sisters are”
Lars Von Hjelmstadt’s top three orgs were KD, SK and DZ. He got into a heated argument with a girl from DPhiE about the Bachelor and was too afraid to talk to ZTA. It’s not that he didn’t want to— he was just, like, intimidated.
To this day, Lars and Maggie are still BFF’s and Facetime every once in a while.
Maggie got a bid from AXiD and Lars is really happy for her.
Disclaimer: This is obviously a satirical piece and does not reflect a real event.