October 27, 2020

Give us what we want

In this week’s issue of The Signal, we wrote an article about the College’s ongoing construction. Basically, the College is never going to stop building things, so we forward-thinking individuals at The Signal have decided that if the school is borrowing money from the state for all of this construction, the College should stop building academic buildings and break ground on things that we, the student population, will most definitely enjoy.

Bye bye Lot 6 parking, hello deans of everything and jungle juice for everyone. (Melissa Mastro / Staff Photographer)
Bye bye Lot 6 parking, hello deans of everything and jungle juice for everyone. (Melissa Mastro / Staff Photographer)

Frivolous Science Research Center
Why spend hours examining organisms in a lab when students can waste time developing trivial items, such as a fully-functional light saber, squirrel robots to chase away real squirrels when they won’t leave our nuts alone, and of course, more Segways. Instead of searching the stars for a distant planet, hit up the frivolous observatory and discover which alternate universe The Perspective’s editors call home.

New Housing
Due to the clear need for the housing of certain groups, a living space should be built above the Brower Student Center. One section of the structure will house the countless number of deans at this school … wait … they just added another one? Like we were saying, these deans, especially the Dean of Directors of Communication Art Supplies, Puppies, Rainbows, Chevy Chase and Power Ranger Action Figures, are popping up everywhere and need a place to live. PRISM will also earn space, just in case another born-again Christian storms the stud. Oh, and by the way, the deans and PRISM will park in Lot 6. Sorry, commuters.

Food and Drink
Who says lunch at Eickhoff can’t be fun? Get rid of those apple, orange and grape juice dispensers and bring on the jungle juice. Students will be able to, as Eddie Murphy says, “party all the time” with an unlimited flow of that favorite drink that makes its way into Cop Shop each week. This change will bring more community-oriented interaction between Campus Police and students, a la the security audit.

The Signal
Last but not least, our Signal newsroom will need a few renovations so we can keep up with all of these developments. We don’t want much, maybe just a window or an asbestos test in this dungeon of a basement.

Finally, to cut costs and to avoid further criticism of our layout, The Signal will be changing its color scheme from black and white to white

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